I’m a bit old, weathered, and rusty in a few spots. My engine leaks some oil, and my transmission leaks some fluid – but fortunately not enough to be considered an environmental hazard…yet. My windows and sunroof leak too and let some of the rain in which makes for a dank smell. I definitely need some air freshener. My gas gauge no longer works. I’m hard to start sometimes and even harder to push, so it’s best not to let me run out of gas or let my battery go dead. But back in the eighties, I was the ride that everyone wanted for their special occasion, and I fetched a princely sum for my services.

Back in 1988 I was purchased new as a Town Car but then I was stretched out at Krystal Koach Limousine in Anaheim Hills, CA. I still wear my oxidized badge with pride.

In my prime, I was complimented on my smooth ride and luxurious interior appointments complete with sunroof, crystal, leather, faux wood accents, cigarette lighter and ash tray, split air conditioning, blackout tinted windows, and an entertainment center that included a color television, VHS tape player, AM/FM radio, and a cassette player. That’s how I rolled.

I’ve been to all of the iconic locations in and around the greater Los Angeles area. People took lots of pictures of me too. I’m in the background of thousands of photographs, and behind me you’ll see places like the Santa Monica pier, Disneyland, the Hollywood sign, The Forum, the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, Disney Concert Hall, the Hollywood Bowl, the Greek Theater, and the Dolby Theater on Oscar night. I don’t like to boast, but I’ve had a few Hollywood A-listers and business VIP’s riding in the back. Politicians too, but they talk too much, don’t tip well, and their entourage leave trash, cigar butts, and used condoms all over the place. The politicians always brought alcohol, hookers, and drugs.

I’ve also been seen on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, the Miracle Mile, all up and down Pacific Coast Highway from Newport Beach to Malibu, the Sunset Strip, and Mulholland Drive.

I’ve been out on countless prom nights, weddings, mitzvah’s, girls night out, guys night out, bachelor and bachelorette parties, concerts, and movie premiers. My favorite ride was when a young couple hired me so they could bring their baby home from the hospital in style. Very classy, indeed!

I’ve also been hired many times to rendezvous with a love interest to take them out to a fancy dinner at many of the Beverly Hills and Los Angeles area hotspots of the era like Lawry’s The Prime Rib, Chasen’s, The Palm, and Spago.

There have been copious amounts of booze, cocaine, champagne, quaaludes, and weed consumed in the spacious seating area in the back over the years. There’s still an empty champagne bottle rolling around in the back somewhere that my owner hasn’t found yet. Makes him crazy.

Oh, did I forget to mention the vast amount of sexual activity in the back? I’m talking about steamy, fog-up-the-windows sex! Apparently, I make people quite horny. Heterosexual couples, homosexual couples, and sometimes even group sex. One night while I was driving down the Sunset Strip, a woman performed fellatio on a man while he was standing up through the sunroof taking in all of the city lights.

There was another crazy night when a bunch of porn stars from the various adult film studios in Chatsworth, CA, hired me for an event at the Los Angeles Convention Center. Talk about debauchery! Someone even brought a briefcase full of sex toys. There was so much sexual activity in the back that I thought I had a flat tire. Wild!

Facing the harsh reality of my future, I know I’ll eventually end up in a junk yard in the desert, or in a car crusher, or shredded to bits in a massive industrial shredding machine.

But I wouldn’t mind if my last drive was a jump across a river in a TV show or a nosedive fall from a high cliff in a Hollywood movie, you know, go out in style.

Maybe I’m not cool anymore, but back in the day I was the ride. It was a good life and I have zero regrets.

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