Story 39 of 52

By M. Snarky

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, read that again; adulting is NOT optional – it is MANDATORY! It’s time for you to grow up and put on your big boy and big girl panties and stop acting so outrageously childish and selfish. This might come as a shocking revelation to you: The world does not actually revolve around you. Your lack of politeness and social skill deficiencies do not go unnoticed, dumbass, it’s just that people don’t want to correct you or engage with you in public because you just might be the type of person to snap and attack someone. Indeed, we live in dangerous times.

I see you inconsiderate, selfish, self-centered jerks perpetually in a rush and cutting in line everywhere and all of the time. Maybe time management isn’t your thing, but your lack of skill in this department does not make you more important than everybody else. Get in the back of the line like what polite, conscientious everyday people do and wait your damn turn. Or better yet just turn around and hop back onto your dinosaur and go back to your cave, you Neanderthal.

I see you ordering for a dozen people (although it could be just for you) in the drive-through, holding up what was previously a quick, convenient way to get something, but now, because of your inconsideration, you drag the entire process down to glacial speed. Waiting behind someone who not only is ordering food for a horde, but also asking a bunch of questions about the very simple, intentionally limited choice hamburger menu, and making special extra sauce-on-side requests is an unwelcome time suck for everyone else behind you. After that ordeal, we now have to wait for your massive 6-bag food order to cook and get passed through the little window as the line of cars behind you spill out onto the boulevard. Then we have to wait for you to verify that the extra sauce is actually on the side as you quarrel with the person in the window about not seeing it and then getting extra, extra sauce on the side as is your regular ploy. Here’s a nice, considerate rule of thumb: If ordering for more than four people, park your goddamn car, and walk your lazy ass up to the order counter. You just made a million new friends!

I see you driving around like a clown on crack and as if you own the road. Here’s a clue, Barney; Fast & Furious is FICTION! Knock it off with the speeding, tailgating, street takeovers, sophomoric burnouts, and the reckless driving and the crashes that kill people, you lizard brained cretins. In other words, stop driving like a complete asshole, asshole! Better yet, sell your car and get a lifetime bus pass – society will be much safer without you behind the wheel!

I see you double (sometimes triple!) parking and blocking traffic to deliver groceries or a burrito or a toaster oven. Maybe you should consider a career that doesn’t enrage people on a daily basis. How about law school? On second thought, lawyers enrage people too. How about trade school instead?

I see you arguing with the cashier at the supermarket because your Ben and Jerry’s coupon expired a year ago, and yet you still want the discount on the dozen pints of ice cream that are now slowly melting on the counter as you bicker. The incredulous look of defeat on your face when the store manager holds firm, and you have to cough up the extra two dollars – paid for with the change that you dredged up from your dusty old pocketbook – is almost worth waiting the extra five minutes for. No, I take that back – not worth it – my time is too valuable.

I see you throwing trash and cigarette butts and plastic e-cig cartridges out of your car windows and onto the streets and into the gutters. This city is NOT your trash can, idiot. Do you throw your trash on the floor of your house or apartment? No! Or, at least highly unlikely. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, but If you do, you need to get some therapy. Anyway, clean up your act. Here’s a clue: trash cans are EVERYWHERE, and you can even get one for your car! Use them as intended. Thank you so much!

I see you having a BF like some 5-year-old child because your double-pump double-shot skinny vanilla latte wasn’t delivered to you “extra hot,” but maybe you don’t know that coffee can only be a maximum of 211 °F, because at 212 °F it boils and becomes steam. It’s science. Also, who actually enjoys sipping scalding hot liquids anyway? Only masochists come to mind, which brings me full circle.

What happened to normal, ordinary, everyday social politeness anyway? Do they not teach Social Studies in school anymore? Have all the parents gone rogue? Is it perhaps because the Karen’s, Brad’s, and Barney’s of the world now outnumber the normies?

Or is it that these people were raised by the Internet?

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