Story 34 of 52

By M. Snarky

Recently, my old wireless keyboard had some stubborn, sticky keys, so I had to replace it. Mind you, the keys were not sticky with foodstuffs like strawberry jam, orange blossom honey, or gooey perfumy hand lotion like my mother-in-law’s keyboard (true story); they were sticky as in I had to mash them down to get them to work. This mashing of the keys has the potential to trigger carpal tunnel syndrome, so the keyboard had to go to the great computer in the sky. Farewell, my QWERTY friend.

Subsequently, I had to purchase a replacement keyboard and mouse set. The set came with what can best be described as a warning booklet in a 1-millimeter font which required a magnifying glass to read. There were battery warnings, laser warnings, FCC warnings, plus product use guidelines. You’d think that I just bought a nuclear detonating device, not a keyboard and mouse. The only thing missing, I think, was language about the keyboard not being intended to be used a weapon. This booklet seemed like hyper legal overkill to cover any potential product liability. All of this for a keyboard? I’m pretty sure that my dad’s old mechanical Smith-Corona typewriter had no such label. I’m also pretty sure that his generation would have torn any such label off anyway.

Naturally, now I’ve been noticing that there are warning labels on everything. EVERYTHING! It is as if we have collectively lost all common sense and are somehow no longer responsible or accountable for not knowing that a knife may be sharp, or that a fire is hot. This is beyond ridiculous – this is insanity.

Is it not common sense (or common knowledge, which, apparently, is not so anymore) that:

• A stovetop may be hot.
• A hot cup of coffee may be hotter.
• An electric appliance may shock you.
• An electric chainsaw may shock you and also cut you.
• You might fall off of a ladder.
• A lawnmower may be dangerous if you stick your hands or feet underneath the cutting blade shroud.
• That sunscreen may not protect you from actually getting skin cancer.
• An inflatable flamingo is not a life saving device and you may drown.
• Gasoline is flammable.
• Rat poison is poisonous.
• You might crash your bicycle.
• You might cut yourself with a pair of scissors.

If society is going to go through slapping warning labels on all of the allegedly dangerous things, may I also suggest warning labels for people? Simple labels like:

• Does not get along well with others.
• Do not allow to consume alcohol.
• Volatile.
• Agitated.
• Bigot.
• Democrat.
• Republican.
• Dangerous while driving.
• Dangerous while talking.
• Narrow-minded.
• Intolerant.
• Indifferent.
• Hater.
• Extremely selfish.
• Hypocrite.
• Liar.
• Pathological liar (there is a difference).
• Blowhard.
• Unmotivated.
• Manipulator.

I think this would help avoid a whole lot of conflicts because you simply would avoid these types of people, right? On second thought, it would leave you with the uncomfortable knowledge that there are so many of them running around possibly having children.

I would argue that warning labels are interfering with the natural order of things like Darwin’s theory of evolution by natural selection, for example. Think about that for a minute. If we don’t allow Darwinism to do its natural selection thing, are we not allowing for the perpetuation of DNA that perhaps should have discontinued?

I don’t believe that we want the guy who shocked himself while trimming his tree by cutting into a utility wire with an electric chain saw and fell off his ladder into a gasoline fueled firepit to have any children. Prove me wrong.

But there is always a lawyer somewhere that would ask, “Was there a visible warning label on the utility wire?”

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